Top 10 Movie Drunks
Ah drinking. There’s nothing wrong with it in moderation, and we at Stars & Popcorn like to think of it as that special something we use to grease the creative gears upstairs.
[Editor’s note: Patrick thinks this, but every time he mixes writing and booze, his articles look like they were written by a cat walking across a keyboard.]
Still, there are those on the silver screen that taking drinking to a whole other level. Sometimes it’s for the best, but a lot of time it isn’t. Now, we’re not in the business of holding interventions (that’s a job for television), but we thought it would be a good week to take a look at some of the true professional drinkers from throughout cinema history. After all, we already celebrated a few of our favorite movie stoners in the past, so it seemed only fair to do the same for our favorite drunks. Just a friendly reminder before we get started, please drink responsibly, because if you load up before this article, you’re probably going to order something “wicked awesome” that you don’t need from Amazon. [Editor's note: Please buy products from our fantastic sponsors.] So, with that in mind, let’s get this top 10 started!
10. Barney Gumble in The Simpsons Movie (Dan Castellaneta)- I was looking for an excuse to include Barney on this list, and The Simpsons Movie gave me just that. Sure, it wasn’t what we call a great film, but it did give us a chance to see one of the greatest examples of alcoholism on the big screen. Barney has such a rich history when it comes to battling his addiction. Despite the fact that he’s there for comic relief, it’s hard not to get ‘dem feels every now and then for him. That’s why we’re toasting to Barney and the long road he has ahead of him. We’re rooting for you, you disgusting drunk.
9. Marion Ravenwood in Raiders of the Lost Ark (Karen Allen)- When we first meet Marion, she’s drinking a man who appears to be a barbarian under the table. No joke, she’s trading shots (drinks, not punches) with this mountain of a man, and he passes out (I’m pretty sure he died from alcohol poisoning later that evening). Not only that, but it would seem that drinking is pretty much Marion’s trump card. After all, her strategy to escape from a Nazi camp involves getting a guy piss-drunk and trying to sneak away. Unfortunately, her master plan didn’t take into account that Nazis don’t like fun, so only the French guy ended up drunk, and that was going to happen whether she planned it or not.
Step 1: Get Drunk
Step 3: ESCAPE!
8. Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (Johnny Depp)- Where has all the rum gone? Well, apparently this guy drank it all. The thing about Captain Jack is that he only serves as a mild warning to the damage alcohol has on the body. Sure, his mind is gone, but he’s also one of the most popular movies characters from the past 10 years and somehow always manages to save the day (or at least survive in the end). Let’s face it though: He’s a pirate through and through, and while I don’t have an official pirate handbook on me, I’m pretty sure subsection 13 of article 3 states that pirates must always be “sufficiently pissed.” I mean that in strictly British terms.
7. Kid Shelleen in Cat Ballou (Lee Marvin)- Now let’s take a look at the once-legendary gun fighter Kid Shalleen. Unfortunately, when he shows up in Cat Ballou, he’s not quite a kid anymore, or as legendary as he once was. Lee Marvin plays a drunk who has squandered away his talents in a bottle and can’t even draw his gun anymore without his pants falling down. It’s a hilarious role, and Marvin certainly plays one of the more sympathetic drunks on this list. However, it’s when he finally sobers up that we get one of the best movie scenes of all time as he prepares himself for battle. Let this be a lesson, kids: Guns and booze are bad ideas together. Even if they do make each other a lot more fun.
That’s… That’s actually really impressive.
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