…with input and entries by notable man’s man Patrick Sessoms.
Before we get started here, I’d like to address just the ladies in the audience:
We are going to be discussing your Christmas gifts over the next few paragraphs. Believe me when I say you’re going to be very excited when you see them, but we don’t want to spoil the surprise! We would very much appreciate it if you would kindly hit the “back” button on your browser so we can plan spa trips, fancy dinners and ocean-side horse rides.
All right? All right. Now that they’re gone, here’s the deal. A few weeks ago, Summit Entertainment unleashed upon us all Breaking Dawn: Part 1, the fourth ridiculous installment of the Twilight Saga, which somehow only covers one half of one book about one indecisive girl and the two sparkly and/or shirtless men inexplicably fighting over the opportunity to deal with her drama. We’re not here to discuss the relative merits of the series, but the consensus is if you’re a guy, you have no reason to see these movies voluntarily without being accompanied by a very pretty girl.
And yet, theaters around the country held day-long Twilight Saga movie marathons leading up to the midnight release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1, and some of you guys no doubt were dragged against your will to be subjected to 493 brooding, estrogen-filled minutes of expressionless acting and contrived storytelling. And even worse, you can bet your sweet ass it’ll all happen again when Part 2 comes out next November.
Good on you to be so supportive of the things your gal pal is interested in, but we at Stars & Popcorn are of the opinion that she owes you a day of sitting through something a little less, shall we say, delicate, maybe a franchise with more in the way of exploding helicopters and kung fu fights, something with some goddamn cajones.
Like what? Hmm… well, here’s 10, just off the top of my head…
The Original ‘Star Wars’ Trilogy
It’s pretty trendy these days to make like the second Star Wars trilogy never happened, so we will do the same here and recommend sticking with the original three crazy George Lucas creations. We’ll call this series entry-level macho with a nod toward the subtly incestuous love story and the surprise daddy issues (um, spoiler alert?), but hell, they blow up planets, so we’ll give it a pass for now.
We’re pretty sure all that can be said about this trilogy has already been said, disputed, and argued over by the sweatiest, greasiest of nerds imaginable, but the great thing about these movies is how accessible they are to the geek and the layman alike. Sure, they’re hard science fiction, but that doesn’t mean you can’t cheer as planets explode, as men at their most masculine carve sleeping quarters out of gigantic alien beasts, and as space ships blow each other up with lasers.
By the way, don’t invite your physicist friend to watch this with you. He doesn’t understand the mechanics of galaxies far, far away.