Do you hear that sound, America? Sounds like a bald eagle hitting a home run out of the Grand Canyon? That’s election season, which, not coincidentally, matches up pretty well with baseball season and barbecue season.
Listen up, because I’m about to hit you with some truth: It’s almost time to exercise the franchise. This is the most important thing you can do as an American, and therefore as a human. (Sorry to everyone outside of these political borders, but you’re out of time to emigrate and nationalize yourself. Maybe next time.) It’s more important than teaching your son how to throw a perfect spiral, more important buying a Ford to support free market economy, more important than filing taxes, more important than paying for your own goddamn housing and health care because America ain’t a freakin’ charity.
As it turns out, Hollywood has not been kind to the Office of the President, probably because Southern California is infested with celebrities and Scientologists, the least patriotic of all types of people. Most TV shows and movies portray the POTUS as weak-minded, incompetent, corrupt and/or bumblingly idiotic. But in actuality, America doesn’t often elect someone like that. So we’re here to celebrate 10 of the strongest, brightest, most principled and most badass fake presidents this great nation has seen, and, more importantly, to make a call for some new fake presidents, because honestly it was pretty tough to come up with 10 good ones here.
So hurry up and register to vote. Play your cards right and you could end up with a president as cool as one of these great Americans.
10. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Terry Crews, Idiocracy)
In the mid-to-distant dystopian future, when the average IQ is somewhere below 30, all this blue-blooded president wants to do is solve an ailing nation’s agricultural and economic problems. And when he comes across apparent-smartest-man-in-the-world Luke Wilson (dystopian future, remember), he finally gets the assistance he needs. Turns out water makes plants grow.
Greatest achievement: Having the foresight, albeit misguided, to solve hunger by planting crops.
Biggest criticism: He conceived 32 children, each one stupider than the last.
9. President-Elect Tom Dobbs (Robin Williams, Man of the Year)
After a Stephen Colbert-esque half-joke about running for president, this consequences-be-damned comedian found himself with a strong base of support. But even he didn’t expect he’d actually get elected. After all, he’s a godless, unmarried liberal heathen celebrity, so he’d have no chance at winning votes from Real America. But thanks to a computer error in his favor, he found himself victorious. Unfortunately, he loses points based on the technicality that he never actually was president: Once the error was discovered, in a politically uncommon show of integrity, he declines the office, allowing the incumbent to win another term.
Greatest achievement: He won the presidential race against all odds…
Biggest criticism: …illegally. Then knowingly let a corrupt politician back in office.