Retro couple dancing.

A Joseph Hunter and Patrick Sessoms joint.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and it’s a very special holiday for the staff here a Stars & Popcorn. It’s that time of year where we all drink heavily, sob quietly in the dark and stagger around, shouting at all the romantic comedies that happen to come on television. Yes, it’s a dark time for all of us, and while we’re reminded of our own mortality and how lonely we really are deep down inside, others are enjoying heart-shaped candies engraved with sweet nothings (“ur hot”) and romantic dinners at Olive Garden thanks to that 50-percent-off coupon.

This year, though, we’ve decided that we’ve had enough of tradition. So, we with renewed determination (which can often be confused with desperation), we put our heads together and looked to the only source we can really trust for romantic advice: the movies.

Show off.

We’ve spent thousands of man hours analyzing material, running field tests and getting drinks thrown in our faces, but we compiled a list of ways to woo that girl or guy you’ve been pining after, based on scientifically proven cinematic methods. We crunched the numbers, carried the ones, consulted our in-staff scientists and personally attempted each and every one of these suggestions to prove their effectiveness.

It was back-breaking endeavor and we had to sit through more than one Sarah Jessica Parker flick (which might have skewed the results a bit), but it was a sacrifice we knew we had to make for the greater good. We’re confident that these tried-and-true methods can help any guy win his dream girl (we don’t guarantee the success of the reverse).

For all our brothers out there, we present a number of different paths you can take to win over that special gal’s affections. Ladies, you can thank us later (be creative), because there’s about to be a whole lot of romance coming your way. We don’t like to throw around the word “hero,” but we think today we’ve made the world a better place. So, remember us next time they’re taking nominations for parades, because we love parades, especially when they honor us. Until then, put on your finest silk robe and prepare to swoon while we present our top 10 ways to get the girl (based on movies).

Be a Prince

If there is one thing Disney has taught women over the years, it’s that princes are charming, and if there’s one thing that Aladdin taught men, it was that faking being a prince will win you the girl. So, we’re starting the list off with perhaps the most difficult way to win the girl, which involves sporting a crown. Now, if you’re reading Stars & Popcorn, you’re probably not royalty—after all, most kingdoms have the royal movie reviewer for this kind of stuff—so you’re going to have your work set out for you on this one.

I would show you my Kingdom but… uh, I’ve been banished? Yeah, banished!

First of all, you have to secure some kind of castle. (Don’t ask us how, but we here that there are a few economic crises going on over in Europe right now, so it can’t be that hard.) Next, you’re going to need a crown, which you can secure at any reputable party store. Now, throw in a few actors to play a king and queen and maybe an aging psychopath to try to poison the girl you’re into, and you’re already well on your way. Don’t ask us how you’re supposed to afford all this—after all, we’re only here to show you the path, not tell you how to walk it. (Hmm, we should write that one down for our fortune cookie side business.) Either way, come up with some royal jewels (not those ones!), kiss her while she’s in a coma and you’re golden.

Proof: Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and The Little Mermaid.

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2 Responses to The Top 10 Ways to Get the Girl (According to Movies)

  1. Susan Linn says:

    Brilliantly funny, but I don’t get the problem with Mr. Darcy. He’s such a magnificent brooder, and he didn’t really mean anything mean with his gratuitous mean-ness. Guys just don’t get it I guess.

  2. LeiMomi Ferrill says:

    Love the cerebral wit! Hilarious!~ Who would have guessed that Cinematic Mating Methods were so effective? :-) Personally, the “Massive Jerk” never won my heart over, but I do know women who gravitate to this type like dysfunctional fly paper. (names omitted to protect the idiots) I’d be curious to find out how many of these movies were written by men — may be the same men who write beer commercials…in that case, drinking lite beer can also win women over :-)

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