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Because Not All Great Movies Are Good!

Versus mode! Superman vs. Thor

This match sees two of the greatest superheroes from different universes pitted against each other in a laser-eyed, hammer-swinging fight to the death. The contenders today are Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Superman (Christopher Reeve, Brandon Routh). A god vs. an alien guarantees an interesting battle already. Both are intrinsically part of international culture and have been popping up all over movies the last few years. So let’s do this. Flowing blonde hair vs. the infamous curl. Go!

Versus Mode!

This Evening’s Contenders:

Superman

Christopher Reeve as Superman

Chris Hemsworth as Thor


1. Strength

Superman’s strength is nearly unmatched. Cars, airplanes, continents, he can lift it all. No really. When the climax of your movie is lifting a continent and throwing it into space, it’s hard to make a point for any other hero’s strength.

Unless you took on the Hulk that is. In The Avengers, before everyone was all buddy-buddy, Thor is the only person who thought it’d be a good idea to take on the Hulk. That’s right. The crazy guy who gets stronger the more you punch him. Thor took that on. And even though the match ended in a stalemate, you have to applaud his effort. But still, throwing a continent into space…

ADVANTAGE: Superman


2. Archenemy

Superman fights a series of villains throughout his films, but there is no doubt that his archenemy is Lex Luthor. Luthor is a businessman, and a shrewd one at that. While he can’t match Superman in combat, his talents lie in his scientific endeavors and his abilities to persuade. In Superman, he tries to destroy California to raise the value of his inland properties. In Superman Returns, Luthor attempts to create new land mass while flooding the existing continents and making a killing. This guy’s hero must be the banker in It’s a Wonderful Life.

This guy knows what’s up.

Thor is a family man, in the sense that he is always thwarting his brother’s plans for intergalactic domination. Loki is the Norse god of mischief. As a god, he is nearly immune to any attack by a human. But against Thor, his strength lies in his tongue (no, not in a weird way). He constantly tricks Thor, the Asgardians, and humans into his bidding. Luthor is a ruthless businessman, but he’s never led an alien invasion of earth.

ADVANTAGE: Thor


3. Powers

We all know Superman’s powers. Super strength, super speed, flight, heat vision, and every teenage boy’s dream, x-ray vision.

I can see why he fell for Lois Lane

Superman is just all around…well, super. He’s so fast, that he can travel back in time. With heat vision, he can literally kill people by looking at them from miles away. As long as he has access to sunlight, Superman is nearly unstoppable.

But Thor is a god. He’s got the basics, super strength, flight, and near invulnerability. But he also can summon and control lightning, wind, and rain. It’s like if Storm from X-men didn’t feel the need to specialize. As an Asgardian, Thor has access to the Bifrost, a magical portal that allows him to travel through time and space. This is a tough one, but it’s hard to beat a god.

ADVANTAGE: Thor


4. Weapon

Superman is old fashioned. He doesn’t need a weapon. He lets his fists do all the work. Thor on the other hand is quite handy with a hammer. But enough about his carpentry skills. His mythical weapon, Mjolnir, is his most identifying trait. The weapon is capable of delivering bone-crushing hits, shooting beams of energy, and Thor can summon it at any time. And due to its magical characteristics, only Thor can carry it. This seems like the type of feature I would have wanted on my possessions when my younger brother insisted on stealing my action figures. Even the Hulk can’t lift the weapon.

I swear this has never happened to me before.

All in all, Mjolnir is my kind of weapon. It has all the looks and powers that any superhero needs. And when compared to Superman’s reluctance to pick anything up, I think we know who wins this.

ADVANTAGE: Thor


5. Costume

Superman is the closest thing to the American hero, short of wearing the actual stars and stripes. Clad in red, yellow, and blue, the Kryptonian is clearly in love with primary colors. And something has to be said of his logo. The giant S on his chest gets points just on the amount of people who have tattooed it on their body. The classic look of Superman has endured over 70 years. He has influenced the look of countless other heroes and villains.

Thor, on the other hand, prefers a sea of grays and silvers with a lovely bright red cape. If I were judging a red carpet strut with these two, Thor wins on the understanding of accents and accessories hands down. But the question isn’t who can strut down a catwalk better; it’s who has the better superhero costume.

ADVANTAGE: Superman


6. Morals

Superman is the goody two-shoes of the DC comic universe. He stands for all that is good. He is the picture of the ideal American society. He is what all men aspire to be. He is the Super man.

Get off your high horse. Oh God…

Thor’s motivation really lies in his selfish endeavors. He is a god after all, and a selfish god at that. He doesn’t so much expect worship from humans, or even recognition. He really just wants humans to stay out of his way while he gets his business taken care of. So despite his ‘holier than thou’ attitude, Superman seems to be the most driven to humanity’s cause.

ADVANTAGE: Superman


7. Alias

Superman has arguably the most famous alias in the history of comics/film, Clark Kent. With his glasses on, he becomes the weak, awkward news reporter. As David Carradine has pointed out in Kill Bill Vol. 2, Superman was born a hero, and has had to pretend to be human his entire life.

Just Tarantino settling another high school argument on the silver screen.

As stated before, Thor is a god. The closest thing to an alias he has is when his father strips him of his power. Even then, he still acts as though he were a god. So the real question is: what’s a better alias, acting as a weak human to keep your identity secret, or ditching the entire concept?

ADVANTAGE: Superman


8. Love Interest

Superman decides to go after Lois Lane, played by Margot Kidder in the Reeve films. Lane throws herself at Superman. She’s constantly getting into trouble, especially with Lex Luthor. Lois Lane has the advantage of being one the iconic superhero love interests.

Thor becomes entangled with Jane Foster, played by Natalie Portman. Foster is an astrophysicist, which gets her points in itself, and finds Thor after he is banished to earth. She is a genius who is attempting to find the bridge to Asgard. That’s just cool. Like if you met her in a bar and she told you that, there’s no way you’d just walk away.

ADVANTAGE: Thor


9. Background

Thor has existed for millennia mainly sticking close to Asgard. Superman, as we all know, is the last survivor of Krypton an alien planet. Asgard is a pretty nice vacation spot, especially taking it not begin blown up into consideration. Luckily, Superman has the Fortress of Solitude to chill and bring babes to.

What woman could say no to this?

While Thor is a god, he hasn’t gotten much praise since the Vikings. But who needs worship when you are the son of a king. Superman had a lovely space ship ride for the first few years of his life and then grew up on a farm with the Kents. But it’s just so hard to beat that Kryptonian architecture.

ADVANTAGE: Superman


10. Sexiness

Thor embodies the Scandinavian standard for good looks. Think Patrick Swayze in Point Break, add more muscles, and throw in a godly strut.

Not quite blonde enough.

Thor is a hunk. There’s no denying it. Superman goes for more of the clean-cut look: clean-shaven, short hair, spandex that shows just the right amount of bulge. And we can’t continue without mentioning the curl of hair. The word Iconic just isn’t enough to describe it.

ADVANTAGE: Superman


So that was a brutal battle. But who ended up on top?

And the winner is…

Superman from Superman. It was tough but there’s no denying it. There’s a reason Superman has endured in comics, TV, movies and more for nearly a century. Thor gave it his all though. His eyes were hard to break away from…a little too hard. Maybe I can reconsider? No. Superman wins but Chris Hemsworth will always haunt my dreams.

Join us for the next Versus Mode! when we pit Gina Carano against your masculinity!


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