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Because Not All Great Movies Are Good!

News Roundup: August 17

Your twice-weekly digest of selected news from around the entertainment world.

Volume I, Edition 21 — Hollywood revisits beloved films. Fans wish Hollywood would not. Bored writers wish that Hollywood would. Jennifer Lopez and Jonah Hill want more money. All of this, and more! Read on.


‘The Crow’ remake downgrades its leads.

Patrick Sessoms (source)

Hey, guess what? Hollywood is remaking a movie… again. That’s right, the cult classic film The Crow is getting revamped for modern audiences (because 1994 was so long ago, right?). Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo the remake has met its own share of dilemmas along the way, though they all still pale in comparison to the tragedy that befell the first film. The newest issue? Well, it seems that lead Bradley Cooper doesn’t want anything to do with the film anymore. I guess he finally found out that it’s a cursed franchise. Rumor is circulating that squinty-eyed action star Channing Tatum is in talks to play the undead vigilante.

To be honest, we’re a little upset that Hollywood is taking another crack at the film, and a perhaps a little more disappointed that the guy from G.I. Joe is potentially going to play the lead. We’ll keep our mouths shut though. After all a lot of people were pretty uninspired by the news that Heath Ledger was playing the Joker.


‘Magic Mike’ to feature even more shirtless dudes.

James M. (source)

But before any of that can get under way, Channing Tatum has got unfinished business as the wise, world-weary stripper Magic Mike in the eponymous film by director Steven Soderbergh. Apparently he has some real world experience with the trade from his younger days back in Tampa.

Aside from its being purported as Soderbergh’s final film, the small indie flick recently made news for acquiring Matthew McConaughey for the role of Mike’s boss, an dancer-turned-owner of the club Xquisite. Perhaps bedazzled by the genuine critical attention he got for his work on The Lincoln Lawyer, McConaughey has signed on for a string of independent films, including projects with William Friedkin, Lee Daniels, and Richard Linklater. Is this the same man who made Surfer, Dude only three years back?


‘Lebowski’ reunion fuels speculation by desperate journalists.

James M. (source)

To commemorate the film’s Blu-Ray release, the cast of The Big Lebowski reunited in New York this week to be photographed and interviewed, and other movie star things. Fans decked in Lebowski cosplay (which apparently is a thing) lined the stretch outside the Hammerstein Ballroom, for which organizers passed on the usual red carpet in favor of one with a more intricate Persian-rug design. It really tied the night together.

A few interviewers asked about plans for a sequel. The cast returned respective giggles. Another asked Julianne Moore what she thought became of her character’s child, fathered in the film by The Dude. She gave a somewhat reasonable answer—(s)he’s probably in boarding school somewhere.

But when asked the same question, Jeff Bridges, who has shown no significant proof that he isn’t actually just The Dude in real life, gave a more colorful reply. “Maybe he hooks up with the Starman’s child. Oooh, huh? And they get together in a sort of Butch Cassidy/Sundance Kid thing, man!”

Internet, if you haven’t done so already, we have some fan fiction awaiting your keystrokes.


Jonah Hill shaves head, joins ‘Neighborhood Watch.’ Events possibly unrelated.

James M. (source)

A who’s-who of comedians have pooled their efforts already to produce Fox’s upcoming comedy, Neighborhood Watch, which chronicles the efforts of a few bored suburban fathers who form a neighborhood watch group, only to uncover something sinister… an alien invasion! Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg have penned a script that Akiva Schaffer of the Lonely Island Boys has agreed to direct. Among the cast are frequent cohorts Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughan.

Supposedly the big wrench in this operation is that Hill (and his financial advisers) think he deserves more cash than Fox has yet agreed to supply. Supporters would cite positive responses to his upcoming film Moneyball as grounds for the rate hike. Most other people would say, “Wait, you mean that movie with Brad Pitt in it?”


Idle Americans clamor for more J-Lo, producers say.

James M. (source)

Jennifer Lopez will return for the upcoming eleventh season of American Idol. She will be paid $20 million to do this. It will premiere on January 22 just after the NFC Championship Game. People will watch it.



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