Hollywood’s Holiday Wishlist
With contributions from Patrick Sessoms and James M.
It’s the holiday season, and that’s a magical time indeed, one full of cheer and the spirit of giving. Even though global recession has ravaged the worldwide economy, and even though climate change has melted the ice caps and made puddles of our once-proud snowmen, and even though we haven’t seen any Lexus December to Remember Sales Event commercials (yet), the calendar and the department stores insist it’s time we reinforce our love and admiration for one another by buying them toys and trinkets.
We at Stars & Popcorn get that. And maybe this is just the eggnog talking, but we’re feeling goddamn jolly and we want to get in to the spirit just like anyone else.
So we want to spread some cheer (low-fat, unsalted, Atkins-approved cheer) by drawing attention to some of December’s most forgotten people: The Hollywood Glitterati. How many smiles have these celebrities, companies and characters brought to our faces? How many memories have they created for us? Some of these people gave us the gift of great movies or great performances; others gave us the gift of not feeling so bad about ourselves by comparison. And for what!? Fame, millions of dollars, and lavish lifestyles? That’s unacceptable. If you are literally Ebenezer Scrooge, you may think your $11 movie ticket plus $4 IMAX 3D surcharge was compensation enough. But those of us with a little holiday compassion agree these stars deserve more.
So we feel it’s only right that we work our hardest to fulfill their wishes. We don’t have the financial backing to make all their dreams finally come true (please click on our ads and buy things from our wonderful sponsors!), but we’d like to take some time to pass along their wishlists in the hopes that some kind soul can.
Santa, if you’re reading, there’s still time to get those elves working. And dear readers, if we’ve forgotten anyone important [glances awkwardly toward Danny DeVito] let us know in the comments!
Abraham Lincoln (Lincoln): Tickets for an earlier showtime.
Glad tidings, friend!
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: Marriage counseling, because if their love can’t last, what are the rest of us supposed to do?
Ben Affleck (Argo): An Oscar, because everyone else seems to be getting them and he’s trying really, really hard guys.
Bruce Wayne (The Dark Knight Rises): More reliable autopilot.
Channing Tatum: A lot less The Vow and a lot more 21 Jump Street.
Chris “Thor” Hemsworth: For women to see him as more than just a piece of meat. He’s got a personality too, you know. And talent.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: A world full of mystery.
Gary Busey: Financial backing for his Animal Planet talk show Kitty Corner.
George Lucas: The love and respect of fans touched by his art worldwide, or $4 billion.
Jennifer Lawrence: For parents to forget her crazy promiscuity in Silver Linings Playbook before taking their daughters to see next year’s Hunger Games sequel.
Joaquin Phoenix (The Master): A career-affirming Academy Award.
Eh, it’s a living!
Jon Voight: All he wants for Christmas is you…
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Looper): A role that doesn’t involve wearing a prosthetic nose.
Joss Whedon: For people to stop demanding more Firefly. It’s not going to happen, damn it! Weren’t The Avengers and The Cabin in the Woods enough for you blood-sucking bastards!?
Kathryn Bigelow (Zero Dark Thirty): A new genre to write and a thousand miles of celluloid to play with.
Kevin James (Here Comes the Boom): A script in which maybe only half the jokes are about his weight.
Kristen Stewart: A new director for the Snow White and the Huntsman sequel.
Liam “Who?” Hemsworth: Respect and recognition as something other than his brother’s brother, and not just by 14-year-old girls.
Lionsgate Films (The Hunger Games and Breaking Dawn): A few more teen-girl book franchises to adapt, maybe with Liam Hemsworth as the male lead.
Merida (Brave): A better cake recipe.
Miguel Zavala (End of Watch): Some backup.
Neil Patrick Harris: A new webcam. (The one he has is probably a little worn out.)
Nicholas Cage: His life back.
Unfortunately, one of them will murder the other in 2013. Stay tuned to find out who!
Peter Parker (The Amazing Spider-Man): More cranes lining the Manhattan skyline.
Pi Patel (Life of Pi): A satellite phone.
Pixar: Another dimension in which to rerelease their movies.
The producers of Two and a Half Men: One year without a cast member flipping his shit.
Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained): More historical atrocities to exploit.
Taylor Kitsch (Battleship and John Carter): A day job not to quit.
Ryan Reynolds: For us to pretend that Green Lantern and The Change-Up never happened and act like it’s 2010 when he seemed like the next big thing. In fact, maybe just get him a meeting with the more-successful, better-looking Ryan’s agent.
The Wachowskis (Cloud Atlas): Some less-ethereal source material.
Stars & Popcorn: Just one or two movies that aren’t complete shit during the first few months of 2013.
[editors note: The parties previously mentioned do not endorse the content of this article. In fact, no one ever endorses us, except for that Guatemalan war lord.]
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