We all know that the zombie apocalypse is coming. The important question is, what are you going to do about it? Luckily there are literally hundreds of movies out there to show you the right and wrong things to do during the dead uprising.

There are also dozens of practical survival guides out there detailing what some would argue are the right things to do, which is why this isn’t meant as a comprehensive guide to survival. Instead, we wanted to present some key concepts to surviving that you can use to adapt to the ever-changing landscape that will follow “Z-Day.” It’s important to have a plan just in case, but I’m willing to bet that the minute the recently deceased start eating the living, that plan is going to go right out the window.

So, with that in mind, we present five tips to surviving the zombie apocalypse. Take them to heart and you just might have what it takes when it matters most. Oh, and when the apocalypse does come, remember to keep your favorite writers in mind when it comes to tip No. 3.

Also, it’ll help you with the ladies.

5. Survival of the Fittest- When the zombie apocalypse begins, the first to go will be the ones we affectionately refer to as fatties. I don’t mean the people who have a few extra pounds around their midsections; I’m talking about the people who get winded walking from their parking spot to the mobility scooters in the store. So, if you ever needed more motivation to hit the gym, just remember that the apocalypse is coming, and only the fit will survive.

I’m not saying you have to be an Olympian, but when it comes down to it, you just have to be faster than the other guy running from that horde of zombies. However, preparing for the apocalypse isn’t enough; you have to remember to stay fit while the zombies are scratching at the front door. So, while cardio is king when it comes to the apocalypse, being able to shove zombies out of the way will certainly come in handy as well.

Examples: I am Legend and Land of the Dead.

And to think, he used to be a cashier at S-Mart.

4. Reinvent Yourself- When society crumbles, the world won’t have much use for Todd from Accounts Payable. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though, because now that your old life has been eaten alive by rotting corpses, it’s time for you to start your new one.

I’ve seen some survival guides that have encouraged people to shed all emotional attachments. While being ruthless is a crucial part of surviving, keeping hold of what makes you human is just as important, which is why I encourage you to adopt a strong moral code and stick to it. For example, when you come across a family being attacked by wastelanders, you should save them in the most brutal way possible. Chances are the ones you save will want to stick by you (safety in numbers) and those that would cross you will tell haunting tales of the one they call Todd from Accounts Payable. The important thing is to realize that the apocalypse will change you, so you need to take control of that change from the get-go.

Examples: 28 Days Later and Army of Darkness.

Safety in numbers… I guess.

3. No Man is an Island- Society has fallen, so it’s time to start your own. This is no time to pull the lone wolf routine, but it’s important to pick your teammates wisely. First of all, you’re going to want to go for a couple of nerds. Nerds have thought about this exact situation for years and years, and they probably have a contingency plan for their contingency plans. Plus, they’re the least likely to turn on you if you keep them safe.

You’re also going to want to have a few bumbling idiots, a.k.a. zombie buffers. When the horde comes, you’re going to need to have a few people between you and them. Of course, you’re going to want to find a virgin and stick to him or her like glue, because we all know it’s the virgins that survive these things. Then again, the nerds might cover that base. Just remember: A medium sized group that can stay mobile and secure areas quickly and efficiently is desired. Oh, and at least half of them will die, so only get as attached to them as you would a carnival goldfish.

Examples: Shawn of the Dead and The Walking Dead

You’ve got to be *&#$ing kidding me!

2. Prepare for the Worst- The key to surviving is knowing that no matter what, the worst is going to happen. Found a floating fortress to hide on? Guess what? Even though you’ve never seen a zombie swim, those bastards are going about to learn. Not only that, but as series like The Walking Dead have shown us, during the apocalypse there are things much worse than the zombies out there.

Facing this fact might seem a little depressing, but as Thomas Hobbes once said, “The weakest has strength enough to kill the strongest.” So, embrace the fact that you’re not going to make it out alive no matter what happens. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be a survivor, though, so take a note from the Boy Scouts and always be prepared. Know that any one of the people in your group could betray you at any moment and that the zombies will come when you have your pants down, and remember to carry not one, but two backup weapons (and at least one that doesn’t require ammunition).

Examples: Dead Snow and Dawn of the Dead

TEN POINTS!

1. Remember to Have Some Fun- Let’s face it, the world has gone to hell in a hand basket when the dead start to rise. So, it’s important to appreciate the small things. Instead of panicking when five zombies breach the perimeter, suit up and prepare for a lovely game of whack-a-zombie… to death. It’s time to let that little part of you that you locked away while sitting in a cubicle out to play, because it’s been waiting for this for a long time.

If you’ve taken the time to read this, you’ve probably been thinking about the impending zombie apocalypse for a while now, and deep down, you can’t wait to show your stuff. Don’t worry, neither can I. The thing is, the end of the world can be stressful (at least I’m assuming it will be stressful), so it’ll be important to take some you time. Embrace your inner Dead Poet Society and seize the moment. After all, being able to get the stupid out of your system every once in a while will probably save your life when it matters most.

Examples: Zombieland and Dawn of the Dead (2004)

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